Friday, November 13, 2009

Fighting for what You want

Back in May of this year, I wrote in this blog "To Be or Not To Be."  It asked the question of whether one should go on fighting for what one wants or to let go as so many poetry and words of wisdom seem to suggest.

As has been in many other cases or events or things in our lives .. there is almost always two side to an argument (actually there are many sides - but our "dichotomized" mind trained from years of evolution seems to "force us into the "white" and "black" or "right" and "wrong" perspective).  At any rate, I have often marvelled at how sometimes two wise sayings seem to sound so RIGHT when expressed alone - yet put together they appear to be contradictory.  For that reason, I suppose, I have come to develop for the most part a penchant for doing my best to keep within an equilibrium (or middle point or balance) on life's practices and philosophies.  Anyway - I digress too much.

Back to the point .. the blog entry in May asked the question if one should fight for what one loves .. or learn to accept life with all it's "ups" and downs .. and "just let go/"  The example I chose to examine this philosophical question then was on a "love relationship."  But then I guess this can just as easily be put into any other relationship or life events.

Today, I find myself pondering once more on this apparently unresolved issue (unresolved for me at least).  What prompted this wandering thoughts were a statement I encountered which was used to describe the character (or personality) of someone I know.  The statement goes: "You’re a stubborn sweetheart... You “love” him/her only because he/she loves you. If his/her flame puts out, you let go with no trouble."

That and a couple of events following my encountering that statement led me to question - Why do some people give up so easily (without a fight) something they profess to value and treasure. And Is this a healthy thing to do.

My thoughts:
As I had expressed before - I imagine that if one values something very much, one would fight with tooth and nail to keep that which is of value, right? Take for example the situation we looked at back in May.  I believe most of us would when pursuing a love interest not turn away and walk off when the girl says "I am not interested" (or guy if it is a girl pursuer .. or whatever combination there may be - not to confuse the issue here).  I mean this is almost a no-brainer, right? We see this all around us not just in people but in nature as well.  Part of the "dance of life" I suppose if you like. The courting .. the pursuit .. and so forth.  I dare say - a lot of us would not be in this world if everyone approached their mate with a "proposition" and when the first proposal was turned down .. the proposer walks away in search of another proposee.  See what I mean.  I think most, if not all, will agree that truly if you really want something .. then you will continue to work at getting what you want.  

How about taking an exam for some certification you want. Would we walk away the very first time we fail?  If Edison did that (not Edison Chen la - I mean Thomas Edison), would we have light today? And what of all the medicines we have .. the inoculations and so forth?  So, it would seem the "right" thing to do is to fight for what you want.

But on the other hand, I know of people who fought all their lives in pursuit of the so-called "right" person and live out their lives "miserable" because they could not let go.  Going against the so-called  "wisdom" of friends to "Let go la" (or sai jor tiu sum hoi la - which means -in cantonese -literally let the heart die la) and spent their lives obsessing over their prized object at the expense of losing everything else in their life. I know I have been in the shoes of the one suggesting before to people (friends and foe alike) to "wake up," "open your eyes," and "let go."

Again in May I posited the question if one professes to pursue another because of love for that other person - and saying "because I love her, I will not give up" ... isn't this a statement that is more accurate to put as "because I love my SELF so much and I cannot bear the pain of not having the object of my affection - I will NOT give up on her?"  Seems less to do with the love of another than it is about the love of Self, here don't you think? This is even more so when the other person says to you - directly as in verbally or via her actions to "get the F*** away from me" and you continue to disregard her pleas and request but choose to honor your own desire and search for self happiness/pleasure.  So - then the wisdom here is to "not force your will on another, learn to listen to what they want, and respect that and LET GO and MOVE ON." 

But from that I've also heard countless of times the "excuse" or "justification" or "reasoning" that "She doesn't know what is good for her. I know better. I am doing this for her sake."  While again there may be truth to someone not knowing what's best for him/her .. but then shouldn't we allow people (even those we love or perhaps especially those we profess to love) to live their lives as they see fit? That Right or Wrong it is their choice to make?

We have all heard, I am sure in some form or other:  "Attachment is bad" (especially to objects or situations where the attachment becomes seemingly illogical and even obsessive .. "Possessing things and people is unhealthy" (again especially to - as above). "Respect for the rights and feelings of other is good" .. "Letting Go and Letting God" or "Trust in fate/God/Universe" (or whatever we want to call that ...

Where does that leave us.  I suppose .. my answer returns to an issue of balance.  When I started this entry - I had no specific final answer. I don't know that I now have that either.  When I started this blog I also said .. purpose (or one of ..) for this writing is for me to bounce my thoughts .. watch them typed out .. hear me read and re-read what is in my mind .. and there perhaps things would become clearer.  So .. that is what I am doing now - not asking for judgment from others or absolute answer from some Guru or one who thinks himself/herself THE Guru who knows it all - the right and wrong ..but this is merely my own attempt to reach some conclusion that may be right for me alone even if it is not right for anyone else ....

My answer to myself is balance .. there is a time to fight and a time to let go.  There is no fix formula of how many times to struggle for your cause before you give up .. or even if one is to give up at all. Perhaps with some causes or cases whatever it may be .. one dies struggling .. and ends this physical life by saying "I fought the good fight ..."

But I do also thing for those who never fight at all - who gives up at the sign of any obstacle - who claims "If that is what you want .. then I will let you go" at the very first problem encountered .. I personally think that is "cowardice" to the max (sorry to have to use labelling even tho I have heard so many times that labeling is "bad.")  I think, the person who does this is simply a "scaredy cat" .. afraid of hurt .. afraid of trying or fighting and ending up "losing" and still not getting what he wants (or wanted). To minimize the pain, it would seem, the mush easier thing to do is to claim to "be in flow with the universe" and accept fate "if it was meant to be .. we will be together" or that of "respecting the other person by giving in to him/her" and by saying "this is not what I want but if you want it that way - then I accept la."   No - not for me. Cos all these sound like pure defenses period. It shows me a very weaken spirit who is not willing to take a stand and struggle for what is claimed to be of importance.

And more than that the statement to led to this pondering of mine has a second lesson for me: "You “love” him/her only because he/she loves you." Doesn't this statement appear to be overflowing with evidence of "conditional love?"  I love you only because you love me.  And when you cease to love me, I will also cease to love you. When you withhold your love for me, I will likewise do the same.  Even when I was a kid I used to ask - can the love one feel for another be turned on and off like a light switch or a tap?

Just my thoughts - and my conclusions. With no reference to anyone in particular .. and no intended judgment of another - I mean to place these values only on myself .. and judge only me by my own standards. Perhaps one day - I will be able to go one step further in not even judging myself .. but at this moment .. I am ME .. and I am happy to be ME .. and I seek not to win accolades for my thoughts and my values .. I seek only to be me and to be Happy ... 

Good Day to you ALL ..............................Shalom!

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