I used to say, “Everything happens for a reason.” I didn’t really see this as being dismissive or hollow – not until I started writing my latest book The Human Struggle with Change: Why We Resist and How We Thrive.
While
writing, I realized something: To say “That was unpleasant, but I can grow from
it” is a better response. It’s not only more honest, it’s more empowering.
To be
fair, my old “everything happens for a reason” line wasn’t really empty. It
wasn’t just a resignation or a surrender. Behind it was always the idea of
finding – or creating – some new meaning or purpose out of what happened. Less
of the “why did this happen” and more “what can I do with this” attitude. But I
can see now, shifting the mindset just slightly can make a world of difference.
So, here’s
my resolve: I’m retiring the old phrase. From now on, when life throws me
something uninvited and unpleasant, I’ll remind myself: I can grow from
this.
That’s the
thing about coping mechanisms, isn’t it? They’re not good or bad, right or
wrong. They’re just the tools we use to get through what hurts. And they
usually work – until they don’t.
Take kids,
for example. Throwing a tantrum in the candy aisle might actually work when
you’re five – tears and flailing arms often wear parents down, especially when
they just want to avoid a public scene. But if you carry that same coping
strategy into adulthood? It won’t get you very far. At forty-five, tantrums
don’t get you the candy – they get you fired, divorced, or unfollowed on social
media. What saved you once can sabotage you later.
Coping
strategies are meant to evolve as we do. When they don’t, we end up trapped –
stuck replaying old survival patterns in a life that needs new ones.
So maybe
the question isn’t whether my coping mechanism is right or wrong. The question
is: Is it still helping me, or has it outlived its purpose?
The truth
is, growth doesn’t come from clinging to what worked yesterday. It comes from
daring to change the tools we use today.
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