28 June, 2025

Between Discipline and Drift

 For as long as I can remember, I’ve been drawn to discipline.

The precision of the military. The ritual of martial arts. The quiet certainty of knowing where to stand, what to do, and when.

And yet, anyone who knows me knows this, too:
I resist being told what to do.
I’ve moved homes countless times. Rearranged furniture late at night. Left term papers until just before the deadline — because I knew I might change my mind before submission.

According to the MBTI, I lean toward “Perceiving”: drawn to openness, possibility, change.

So why this pull toward order? Why this fascination with something so opposite of my nature?

Perhaps it isn’t a contradiction at all.

Perhaps my admiration of structure isn’t a desire to surrender my freedom — but a longing to contain it, to channel it without caging it.

Maybe the military, the martial arts, the rituals — they call to something in me that wants to be anchored… but not fixed.
A part that yearns to move, but also longs to know where home is.

What if the question isn’t Why can’t I choose?
But rather:

How do I let structure hold space for flow — without becoming its prison?

Maybe the truest discipline isn’t about standing still.
Maybe it’s about learning the dance between order and openness.

To let form and freedom coexist.
And to discover: it’s not one or the other that makes me whole — but the living tension of both.


A reflection born in conversation with my MI — my mirror within.


Additional note:
Healing, growth, and understanding don’t happen alone — they happen in dialogue, whether that dialogue is with another, with our MI, or with the deepest parts of ourselves.

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