Most of us know what it feels like to look back on something we have done and wish it were different. We might replay that moment over and over again – imagining a myriad of alternative choices. We may wonder how life might have turned out if we had acted otherwise. This is what we often refer to as regret.
To regret is very human. It is part of being reflective and self-aware. In that sense, it can be something positive. But regret also has a quiet danger: it can keep us mentally living in a place we can no longer change. Regret can initiate reflection (this is the good part), but staying in it is the problem.
The past is fixed. We cannot rewrite it. No amount of
replaying, wishing, or self-criticism alters what has already taken place. When
we remain stuck in regret, our attention stays pointed backward, even though
life only moves forward.
Regret may feel like reflection, but it often becomes
rumination. We can view rumination as a loop that drains energy without
offering direction. Sometimes this is replaying thoughts or memories, and
sometimes repeating only the feeling of guilt or self-reproach, long after the
original moment has faded.
This is where a different experience becomes important: remorse.
Although the two words are often used as if they mean the same thing, they do
not describe the same inner process.
Regret is mainly about the outcome.
It says: “I wish this had turned out differently.”
Its focus is on what was lost, what went wrong, or what we did not get.
Remorse is about responsibility and values.
It says: “I recognize that my action did not align with who I want to be.”
Its focus is not just on what happened, but on who we are becoming.
Regret tends to look backward.
Remorse looks inward – and then forward.
A person can regret something endlessly without changing
anything.
But when someone feels genuine remorse, something different happens: there is
an inner movement toward repair, learning, and eventually growth. Remorse
carries within it a quiet question: “What kind of person do I choose to be
now?”
This is why regret, while normal, can become non-beneficial.
Regret keeps us tied to what cannot be altered.
Remorse helps us shape what comes next.
Recognizing a mistake does not require living inside it. We can acknowledge that something did not go well, accept that the past is unchangeable, and still choose to grow from it. Learning does not require self-punishment. Insight does not require emotional self-imprisonment.
Remorse, when held gently and
honestly, becomes a compass. It helps us:
- clarify our values,
- take responsibility without self-attack,
- and
make different choices in the present.
Regret asks, “Why did this happen?”
Remorse asks, “Who do I want to be – going forward?”
Both emotions arise from reflection. But only one of them
leads us back into life with greater clarity. The key is not to eliminate
feeling altogether, but to choose which feeling we live from.
We can allow regret to visit – acknowledge it, learn what it
has to teach, and then let it pass.
And we can honour remorse as a sign of conscience, integrity, and growth. We
cannot change the past. But we always retain the power of the present.
And in that present moment, remorse does not trap us in who
we were.
It quietly invites us to become who we are capable of being.
One way to hold this shift is through a simple
present-focused process: Noticing what is arising; Owning it with
honesty; and Welcoming the experience without self-punishment.
Notice the feeling – whether it is regret, guilt, or
self-reproach. Own what is yours to own, without denial or minimising,
while recognising that the past cannot be changed. And then – Welcome the
experience as part of being human, allowing it to inform your next choice
rather than define who you are.
This is what I refer to as the NOW Process.
It is not something that needs to be mastered or perfected.
It is simply a way of meeting ourselves more honestly in the present moment –
noticing what is here, owning what is ours to own, and welcoming the experience
without self-punishment.
